


Relapse

by DimiGex



Series: KakaSaku Drabbles [13]
Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Mutual Pining, Ninja are bad at feelings, Requested work, kakasaku - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26608024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DimiGex/pseuds/DimiGex
Summary: In a moment of weakness, Sakura had ruined everything. She recalled the confusion in Kakashi's eyes when she admitted to sleeping with Sasuke. There was a moment when he clearly wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, a chance to explain herself. Then, anger when it became clear that she had no other excuse than being a stupid girl who never learned from her mistakes.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Hatake Kakashi
Series: KakaSaku Drabbles [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/871959
Comments: 10
Kudos: 49





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**Author's Note:**

  * For [Birkastan2018](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birkastan2018/gifts).



> This piece was requested by Birkastan2018 on tumblr (you can find out more about requesting work there, it's also under Dimigex). It was a lot of fun to write, I adore this dynamic so I hope you enjoy it as well!

"Would you please say something?" Sakura locked her gaze on the ceiling and tried to ignore the guilt choking her. Kakashi stood with his back to the woman, staring over the darkened village. A small part of Sakura wished that she could see his face, but another was thankful that he'd turned away. The initial flash of pain in Kakashi's grey eyes had been bad enough; she wasn't certain that she could handle the hatred that would surely follow.

At the sound of Sakura's voice, Kakashi's shoulders tensed like he expected a blow. When none fell, he feigned relaxation and shrugged. "What do you want me to say?"

"Yell at me," Sakura pleaded, preferring fury to stunned silence. She gulped down a lungful of air while fighting the sting of tears. "Tell me that you're better off without me, that you hate me, that you never want to see me again."

Kakashi turned, eyes devoid of emotion. When he spoke, Sakura recognized the tone that the Hokage used to distance himself from whatever decision he was about to make. The gentle, teasing warmth of the past few months had disappeared. "Is that what you want?"

A bitter laugh ripped free of Sakura's throat. She wondered if it would have been better to talk to Kakashi once they reached his apartment. Sakura had thought that the Hokage's office would make her confession less personal somehow, giving them both the lifeline of decorum. It had been a mistake on her part. The threatened tears finally pushed between her lashes.

Rather than acknowledging the hurt running down Sakura's cheeks, Kakashi shook his head. "I could never hate you."

Kakashi's answer should have put Sakura at ease, but it felt like a dagger through her heart. He turned away again, the movement hinting at the lie behind his words. Late evening shadows hid the man's face better than his mask ever could have. Even so, Sakura saw his pain in the way that Kakashi held himself, in the tension across his back and shoulders. His hand squeezed into a fist, then released in a semblance of calm.

Drawing her knees toward her chest, Sakura wrapped an arm around them. She sank deeper into the couch that dominated one side of Kakashi's office. Sakura had teased him about it when he first stepped up to the role of Hokage, asking if he planned to spend the entire day reading _Icha, Icha_ instead of working. He'd tutted under his breath and ignored the question.

A second, more painful memory followed on the heels of the first. Sakura and Kakashi had sat on this same couch together, cartons of takeout forgotten as some conversation captured their attention. She couldn't remember what they'd been talking about, but the moment that Kakashi had brushed a strand of hair behind Sakura's ear had been cemented in her mind forever. She wasn't sure which of them closed the distance, but his mask had disappeared just in time for their lips to meet. The fuzzy details only made the memory hurt more.

In a moment of weakness, Sakura had ruined everything. She recalled the confusion in Kakashi's eyes when she admitted to sleeping with Sasuke. There was a moment when he clearly wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, a chance to explain herself. Then, anger when it became clear that she had no other excuse than being a stupid girl who never learned from her mistakes.

Sakura sighed. "I didn't mean for it to happen."

Kakashi scoffed and shook his head. Gathering control of himself, he turned to face Sakura. She'd seen the man heartbroken and furious during the war, but this apathy startled her. The eyes that Sakura had come to know so well could have belonged to a stranger. Kakashi's face twisted beneath the mask. "Do you love him?"

Sakura opened her mouth to respond, but no words could sum up the gravity of that question. Of course she loved Sasuke; she'd always loved him. Time hadn't changed that, no matter how many people had told her that it would. But Sakura knew that wasn't what Kakashi was asking, not really. Swallowing, Sakura forced her vocal cords to obey. "I'm _in_ love with you."

Kakashi tipped his head to the side, eyes closing. When he spoke, sadness filled his voice. "That isn't what I asked."

Sakura's stomach dropped, knowing there was no way around this. She couldn't bring herself to lie to Kakashi, not after everything they'd been through. Their relationship had come too far for half-truths. Ignoring the impending sense of doom, Sakura shook her head. "It isn't that simple."

As soon as the words left her mouth, Sakura knew that she'd said the wrong thing. The hurt in Kakashi's eyes didn't match the smile that she recognized beneath his mask. For one dizzying moment, Sakura thought the man might approach her, but he walked toward the door instead, opening it without turning. "For me, it is."

The ground disappeared, dropping Sakura a dozen feet without the benefit of moving. Her stomach leaped into her throat, bile burning her tongue. It was too late for Kakashi to shrug and tell her that he needed to get back to work. He didn't insult Sakura by pretending that he wanted anything except for her to leave.

Sakura pushed herself onto trembling legs and stumbled forward half a dozen steps. Kakashi's jaw clenched when she got closer, tipping away as if afraid she might touch him. Her heart ached in a way that she'd never thought possible, refusing to let her draw a full breath. Sakura knew that if she threw herself into Kakashi's arms, he'd catch her. Somehow, she could convince him that the night with Sasuke had been meaningless. She breathed Kakashi's name like a prayer.

"Don't," Kakashi whispered, voice straining tight on the single word. He swallowed, mastering his tell in an instant. "It's late. You should go."

An unbridgeable gulf opened between Sakura and Kakashi, and she couldn't see a way across it. Ducking her head to hide the tears, Sakura fled without looking back.

* * *

The next few days passed in a blur of misery. After leaving Kakashi, Sakura had spent the night regretting every decision she'd made over the past week with a bottle of next morning, she had another decision to regret. Part of her had hoped that Kakashi would take some time to cool off, then talk to her. But, as the hours dragged into days, Sakura was forced to admit that she'd screwed up. Since alcohol hadn't helped, she ignored reality and curled up in bed for the rest of the weekend.

Sakura had dreaded Monday morning. Her job at the hospital came with more responsibilities than she felt up to dealing with, but she had to go. Her biggest fear had been speaking with Kakashi over the dozen or so items that required his input before they could be approved. At noon, they were scheduled to have a meeting about medical training for the upcoming genin teams. Sakura had made herself sick worrying over seeing Kakashi, but Shikamaru had shown up in the man's place.

After that, Sakura hadn't been sure whether to feel relieved that Kakashi had given her space, or angry that he dismissed her so easily. The lack of focus led to mistakes while entering a patient report, costing precious time when Sakura had to start over. When she finished the last of her work, nearly two hours after the scheduled end of shift, Sakura stumbled home and flopped onto her couch. She eyed the half finished bottle of wine on her counter with intent before deciding on a bath.

Sakura had just sunk beneath the warm, lavender scented bubbles when she heard a knock on her door. Her heart leaped into her throat at the idea that it might be Kakashi. He hadn't shown the slightest interest in her for three days though, and Sakura wasn't sure that she wanted to see him. Indecision made her slow as she slipped out of the tub and wrapped an oversized towel around her body.

"It probably isn't even him," Sakura grumbled, securing the fabric tighter over her chest before calling out. "Give me just a minute."

Sakura realized that answering had been stupid. If it was someone she didn't want to see, she could have pretended not to be home despite the light bleeding beneath her door. Well, she still could, but it would be obvious that she was trying to avoid whomever stood on the other side. There was a short list of people that Sakura felt up to dealing with tonight, and they probably weren't weren't the ones out there anyway.

Sighing, Sakura rose on her tiptoes to look through the peephole. When her feet thumped back to the floor, her heart pounded against her ribs hard enough to make her chest hurt. Sasuke stood in the halo of yellow light cast by the street lamp, fidgeting with an edge of his dark cloak. As much as Sakura tried to deny it, butterflies swarmed through her stomach. She drew a deep breath, reminded herself that she was an adult, then cracked the door open.

Sasuke's visible eye snapped to Sakura's face, then dipped lower. A flush spread up her neck as she shifted further behind the door. His gaze rose, but not before Sakura noticed the same tinge of pink on his cheeks. "Can we talk?"

The question was innocuous, something that Sasuke had probably asked a dozen times before, but it recalled the memory of cool fingers on warm skin, hot breath against her neck, and the taste of his mouth on hers. Sakura's throat tightened as she pushed away the giddy dizziness. "About?" She managed, voice too thick to force out another word.

"Please," Sasuke asked, stepping closer. The word sounded foreign on his lips, like he'd grown used to getting his way without having to ask a second time. But, there was an earnestness to his tone that Sakura couldn't resist, even after all this time.

Sakura retreated into the shadows next to the door, and Sasuke followed her into the apartment, shutting it behind him. When he turned, Sakura felt her cheeks flush a deeper shade of red under his gaze. The towel suddenly seemed a too thin barrier between them. She shifted from foot to foot, rubbing away a strand of wet hair stuck to her shoulder. "What did you need?"

Sasuke's head tipped to the side, surprise showing in his eyes. "You're not happy to see me."

The delivery made it clear that Sasuke's words were more of a statement than a question. Sighing, Sakura crossed her arms over her chest. She hated the way that he made her feel like an infatuated, uncertain thirteen year old again. "You just caught me at a bad time," Sakura replied. It wasn't even a lie, but the rest was none of his business.

For one breath, Sakura thought that Sasuke would cross the distance between them and run his fingers down her bare arm like he'd done the other night. He could pull her against his chest and drag Sakura into a kiss that made her forget every reason why she should push him away. Humming under his breath, Sasuke drifted closer. When he spoke, his voice hardly rose above a whisper. "Do you want me to leave?"

Sakura swallowed; the proximity of Sasuke's body made it difficult to think, let alone answer. She forced the air out of her lungs. "What did you need?"

"I came to tell you that I'm leaving again, in the morning." Sasuke's words doused the heat that had started to burn in the pit of Sakura's stomach.

Sakura snorted, anger bubbling to the surface. She cut Sasuke off before he could explain. "So what? You thought that you'd just stop by and see what you could get before then?"

"I wanted to let you know." Sasuke raised a hand to touch Sakura's cheek. Heat spread from the tips of each finger, racing along the bone and curling around her ear. Just when she thought he might kiss her again, Sasuke's hand fell away. "I didn't want to just disappear again, not after the other night."

"You're good at that," Sakura accused, pulling away. Conflicting emotions swirled through her chest, impossible to follow even if she'd wanted to. Sakura knew that she loved Sasuke. She wanted the best for him, wanted him to be happy, but she wasn't certain that she could be those things for him, not anymore. Realizing the harshness of her words, Sakura sighed. "I'm sorry, that was rude."

Sasuke shook his head, a sad, ghost of a smile visible on his lips. "No, you're right. It is easier to run away than to deal with things I can't control."

Unable to think of an answer, Sakura rubbed at the back of her neck with one hand. A trickle of water ran over her skin, providing a momentary distraction. Sasuke didn't move closer, but he didn't turn away either. Silence stretched between them, stalling on the cusp of awkwardness. He exhaled, slow and measured, before speaking. "The other night-"

"-was a mistake," Sakura finished before Sasuke could say something that she didn't have the strength to hear. She pushed away from the wall and crossed the room, unable to watch the emotions play across his face the same way they had on Kakashi's.

Sasuke started to speak, but Sakura shook her head and turned toward the bedroom. "I just-give me a minute, okay?"

If Sasuke answered, Sakura didn't hear it. She shut the door between them and leaned against it, squeezing her eyes shut. She couldn't untangle the mess that Sasuke made of her feelings. Sakura had made so many mistakes with her eyes locked on Sasuke and nothing else. And, now that it seemed close enough for Sakura to reach out and take, she was no longer sure that she wanted to.

Shivering, Sakura crossed to the bathroom and let the water out of the tub. She lingered on the cold tile, watching the promised warmth swirling down the drain while wondering at the path her life had taken. Three years ago, she would have begged for the opportunity to have Sasuke touch her with the kindness he'd just shown. Sakura would have hung on the intent behind each word, puzzling out things that Sasuke had never meant to say. Three years ago, Sakura would have waited forever.

_But now?_ A traitorous voice whispered as Sakura pushed back onto her feet. She didn't have an answer as she changed into the clothes that she'd planned to wear after her bath. The oversized t-shirt and sweatpants were better than the towel at least.

Try as she might, Sakura couldn't erase the memory of Kakashi's face from her mind. She'd scolded herself for developing a stupid crush on the man, even while denying that it existed. The first time that Kakashi kissed her, an entirely different world opened up for Sakura. She'd thought he would always see her as a silly girl, too inconsequential to acknowledge, much less return feelings for. But, then things had changed.

Whenever she looked at Kakashi, Sakura couldn't shake the feeling that she was looking at her future. In much the same way, she knew that Sasuke was her past. At least, he had been, until she refused to let it stay buried.

Pushing the doubts away, Sakura left the bathroom and flipped off the light. She couldn't hide from Sasuke forever; sooner or later she would have to face him. When she stepped back into the living room, he rose from the couch and rubbed his hands down the front of his pants. The man took in the change without comment. Sakura wondered if he knew that the clothing signified that they wouldn't be repeating their mistake.

While she'd been changing, an uncomfortable thought had occurred to Sakura. She had to know the truth. "Where are you going? I mean, where is the mission to?"

Sasuke didn't answer right away, looking everywhere but Sakura's face. She knew that he didn't want to tell her the details, but she wasn't sure why. "It's a tracking mission in Kumo. I can't afford to let the trail go cold," he answered.

"Is it official?" Sakura was proud that her voice didn't shake on the accusation. She tried not to imagine Kakashi calling Sasuke into his office, then sending him away. Would the man be that petty? The idea made her stomach clench in anger. "Did Hokage-sama request you specifically?"

Obvious discomfort entered Sasuke's posture at the question. After a moment, he shook his head. "I don't do missions for the Hokage's office anymore." He ran his fingers through dark hair, then shrugged like he couldn't help it. "It's a tip that I have to follow up on."

Sakura wasn't sure whether to feel angry that Sasuke would leave her so easily or relieved that Kakashi hadn't been behind it. She settled for a numb medium. "I see."

Though, to be honest, Sakura didn't understand at all. Her head snapped up when Sasuke said her name, his tone conveyed something that she'd never heard before. He ran his tongue across his lips to wet them, then exhaled. "Did you mean what you said, about the other night being a mistake?"

Of all the questions that Sakura had been prepared to answer, this was the one she wanted to deal with least. She had been hoping that Sasuke would start somewhere else, but Sakura should have known better. Dropping onto the couch with a sigh, she shrugged. Sasuke sat down, turning so their knees almost brushed. "Are you saying you didn't want to?"

The uncertainty in Sasuke's voice made Sakura's stomach ache. She considered the question for a moment, remembering the curve of his hand against her hip and the weight of his body on hers. Another blush crossed Sakura's cheek, and she shook her head. "No, I definitely wanted to."

"But," Sasuke prompted, tapping antsy fingers against his knee.

_But, it wasn't what I thought it would be_. _It wasn't what I expected._ Sakura answered internally, staring hard at the floor. The idea that she could want to have sex with Sasuke, then regret it the next morning must have been foreign to him.

For as long as Sakura had been interested in dating, Sasuke had been her focus. Every hope for a first kiss, for anything more, had been pinned on him. She'd imagined what it would be like hundreds of times, each scenario more intricate than the last. What she'd never pictured, however, was stopping to pick up dinner at her favorite chinese restaurant after a hellish workday only to feel a familiar presence at her back.

Sakura had turned to find Sasuke, that same half smile on his lips that had always driven her mad. She'd invited him to dinner at her place, assuming that the man would turn her down as he'd done so many times before. Except, he hadn't. The pair had shared chinese and wine, the alcohol loosening his tongue while it lowered her inhibitions. They'd reminisced about how much their lives had changed in the past few years, laughed about how differently things had turned out from what they'd expected. Then, before Sakura knew what was happening, Sasuke kissed her.

While the details of Sakura's first kiss with Kakashi were fuzzy, she could recall every facet of the one she'd shared with Sasuke, from the way his hand rested on her shoulder and how he'd tipped his head to the side. If Sakura closed her eyes, she could relive it in perfect detail. Reality lacked the smooth perfection of Sakura's fantasies, though. It had been tentative and uncertain as they fumbled out of clothing and into each other's arms.

Sakura had surrendered completely to the moment, losing herself in Sasuke's touch. She'd wanted him for most of her life, so it seemed only natural that Sasuke would find his way to her bed. It had been over too soon, the high lasting only long enough for reality to shatter it. Twenty minutes later, as Sakura lay naked and shivering beneath the sheets, she thought about Kakashi. She wondered what it would have been like to lie next to him instead. Then, shame washed through her with guilt nipping at its heels.

Aware that the silence had dragged on too long, Sakura risked a glance at Sasuke. Even now, he was so handsome with the curtain of dark hair falling over one eye and lower lip caught between his teeth that Sakura couldn't think of anything to say. "Things have changed," she finally whispered.

The excuse sounded lame, even to Sakura's ears, but it was the truth. Sasuke laughed without a trace of humor. "Are you saying that you don't love me anymore?" He shook his head at her silence. "Even if everyone else gave up on me, I never thought you would."

"It's not that," Sakura interrupted. The pain in Sasuke's words made her sick, especially once she tasted the truth in them. Reaching across, she placed a hand on Sasuke's knee. "I'll always love you, but the other night made me realize that I'm not the person I used to be. I need something more than once in a while, more than whenever you're back in town."

"You know that's the only thing I have to offer," Sasuke answered, pushing away from the couch and Sakura's touch. He crossed the room to gaze into the street below, hiding his face in the same manner that Kakashi had.

Heart aching, Sakura watched Sasuke go. She'd hurt him in a way that she'd never intended to, but she couldn't take it back. Ever since she was a child Sakura had believed in soulmates, and she'd always thought Sasuke was hers. Over the past few years, she'd grown beyond that notion. And now that she knew herself better, Sakura doubted that Sasuke could ever love her in the way that she needed to be loved. There were too many obstacles to overcome from their past. And even though Sakura would always love him, she wasn't _in_ love with Sasuke anymore.

Swallowing the painful truth, Sakura followed Sasuke across the room. When her hand brushed his lower back, he shrank away from her touch. "I know," she answered, she sighed, hating that now that Sasuke had finally opened up, she was driving him away. "I'm not asking for anything else."

"So it's over, just like that?" Sasuke's voice grew sharp as he fought to control himself, dragging in a tense breath. His hands balled into fists as he exhaled.

Sakura tasted the bitterness in his accusation, but it only solidified her decision. She had spent years waiting for Sasuke to return her feelings, to fight for their relationship like she had, but he'd never cared enough. _And he never will,_ Sakura realized in a moment of stunned clarity. She would always be the one giving more of herself because Sasuke couldn't. That wasn't the way that she wanted to live her life. Sakura was done chasing boys, hoping to be worthy of their love.

"It never started," Sakura answered. She knew that the truth would hurt Sasuke, but she forced herself to say it. Love was painful sometimes. "What happened between us was one night, not a relationship."

Sasuke opened his mouth to argue, but Sakura shook her head. "Please don't. You, of all people, know that even the best intentions can't fix the past. And, honestly, I'm okay with it now. I don't hate you; I never have. In fact, a part of me will always love you."

Exhaling, Sasuke turned to face Sakura. When he spoke, the words were soft. "Do you think we could have made it work? I mean, if things were different."

The bitterness in Sasuke's voice surprised Sakura, and she took several seconds to evaluate the question. Her entire life, she'd thought that Sasuke would be the man she spent forever with. She believed that she could love him enough for both of them. Admitting that she'd been wrong all this time, that she had wasted years of her life, hurt more than Sakura cared to admit.

Raising one shoulder in a shrug, Sakura lied for the first time all evening. "I think the odds stacked against us were always too high."

"Yeah," Sasuke nodded like the answer made perfect sense. "I should get going and finish up some things before I leave."

Sakura followed Sasuke to the door, stepping into the evening air. She leaned one hip against the frame, surprised when he turned back to caress her cheek. Sasuke's lips brushed across the seal on Sakura's forehead. When he pulled away, the whispered words were so soft that Sakura almost missed. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

Mind refusing to process the apology, Sakura answered automatically. "Be safe."

When Sasuke turned toward the night, he didn't look back. The man walked out of Sakura's life the same way he always had, nothing more than a fantasy that slipped through her fingers. Sakura closed the door to her apartment and leaned against the cold, unforgiving wood. Only then, once she was safely alone, did she surrender to her sobs.

* * *

The words on the page swirled together in a mix of inky characters that Kakashi's mind couldn't comprehend. Even so, he kept his gaze on the report as Shikamaru rambled from the opposite side of his desk. Kakashi hummed and nodded at the appropriate intervals without looking up. Pain pulsed through his temple, a reminder of too much alcohol and not enough sleep. Kakashi ignored that too.

Almost two weeks had passed since the night that Sakura had told Kakashi about Sasuke, and they hadn't spoken since. He had seen her only once, but the woman ran through Kakashi's mind every night. Hell, she occupied his waking thoughts nearly as much. It had taken a few days for Kakashi to find a working balance that kept him sane through the waves of anger and hurt. The emotions left him restless, unable to focus.

Kakashi had thrown himself into training, pushing his body until it collapsed. He'd drunk himself into a stupor that required Tenzo and a bucket of ice water to drag him out of. Then, Kakashi tried drowning himself in work. Too many of the tasks reminded him of Sakura. Until their falling out, Kakashi had seen her on a daily basis. Her absence left a gaping hole in his day that nothing else could fill.

Kakashi told himself that this separation was for the best, for all of them. He was too old and broken for someone as vibrant as Sakura. She deserved someone who could give her the world. Someone who could love her without fear and reservation. Someone who wasn't Sasuke-

The pencil in Kakashi's hand cracked from the pressure of his fingers, stalling Shikamaru's monotonous recital. Dark eyes swept across Kakashi, then the boy snapped the folder in his hand shut. Kakashi placed the splintered pieces of the pencil into the wastebasket beside his desk and sighed, rubbing his temples.

Shikamaru watched the man behind the desk for several moments, then consulted the file again. "You're due at the hospital for a budgetary meeting this afternoon."

"I have that thing with the elders," Kakashi interrupted before Shikamaru could make him feel guilty. He shook his head, leafing through the papers in front of him. "You can handle the hospital situation."

"The consultation with the elders is tomorrow." Shikamaru consulted his notes, offering Kakashi a chance to accept his duty rather than avoid it. He should have known better after the past couple of years working together.

The thought of facing Sakura left a bitter taste in the back of Kakashi's mouth. He raised his gaze toward Shikamaru with an eye smile. "I have some paperwork to finish, and you have a better head for the numbers side of things. Think of it as a break from the office."

Shikamaru's lips pinched into a tight line as he shook his head. "You can't avoid her forever."

Kakashi arched one eyebrow at the jonin, giving him the opportunity to rethink that statement. Shikamaru didn't back down. He sighed and placed his paperwork on a stack that tottered dangerously at the added weight. "Look, I'm not trying to get in the middle of something that doesn't concern me-"

"Good," Kakashi interrupted, anger simmering at the man's forwardness.

Shikamaru placed his bundle of papers on Kakashi's desk and turned, hands linked behind his back. Something about the stance made the boy seem years older than he was. He drew a deep breath and continued his earlier thought. "You're going to have to face Sakura at some point."

"Not that it would be any of your business," Kakashi told the man's back, "but what makes you think I have an issue with Sakura?" Kakashi rifled through the papers that Shikamaru had deposited, more to occupy his hands than from any intent to do work. He didn't look up lest his eyes give the truth away.

"Don't insult my intelligence," Shikamaru snorted, turning back to face Kakashi with more irritation than usual. "I've spent nearly every day of the past two years in this office with you, often in Sakura's presence. She hasn't set foot in the building for weeks, and you're avoiding the hospital like, well, like you do when you're injured."

Kakashi maintained stoic silence as Shikamaru grew more animated. "You're the only one blind enough to have missed the signs for so long." Shikamaru bulldozed over Kakashi's objections. "And now, for whatever reason, you're throwing yourself into work, Sakura is crying on Ino's couch, and I'm tired of being caught in the middle of it."

The words were so unexpected that it took Kakashi several minutes to digest them. He should have expected Shikamaru to pick up on the situation with Sakura for the aforementioned reasons, but he'd never considered it. The idea of Sakura crying on Ino's couch made his stomach clench up in knots, but he refused to focus on that. The anger that had been building in the back of Kakashi's mind longed to lash out at someone, and Shikamaru happened to be the closest person.

"Are you done," Kakashi snapped, voice dropping the temperature in the room several degrees. "My personal life is not up for discussion, now or in the future. Do I make myself clear?"

Shikamaru's mouth compressed further, lips disappearing from the pressure. The man dipped his head into a tight nod. "Of course, Hokage-sama."

Kakashi waved a hand in dismissal, eyes sharp as Shikamaru turned to leave. The man paused with his hand on the knob. He didn't turn, but when Shikamaru spoke, his voice was surprisingly clear. "Don't make the same mistake Sasuke did."

Before Kakashi could formulate a response, the man stepped into the hallway and shut the door between them.

* * *

The afternoon meeting came and went without a reappearance by Shikamaru. In fact, all of Kakashi's appointments had been canceled or taken care of by the man. Kakashi wasn't sure whether to be annoyed by Shikamaru's cheek, or thankful for his resourcefulness. He settled for the latter, watching dusk fall across the walls of his office. Gold deepened toward purple, then faded into grey before Kakashi stirred himself from the stupor that Shikamaru's words had left him in.

Kakashi's initial reaction had been to lash out. He would never treat Sakura the way that Sasuke had. As much as he wanted to argue, the words stuck in Kakashi's throat. When he thought about it, _really_ thought about it, he could see the similarities. While he'd never string Sakura along the way that Sasuke had, Kakashi had expected her to make amends once they'd both had a chance to cool down. She had been the one to cause problems in the first place, after all.

Besides, there were important differences. Sasuke had always ignored Sakura, pushed her away, and expected her to chase after him, then ridiculed her when she did. Kakashi had watched her live through that heartbreak time and time utter disregard that Sasuke showed Sakura made Kakashi furious, then and now. Sakura shouldn't have to settle for whatever the boy was willing to give her. She deserved better. Kakashi wasn't ignoring her to see if she would chase, but because she deserved better than him as well.

Kakashi rubbed his temples and sighed. As much as he hated to admit it, Shikamaru was right. He would eventually have to face Sakura. Their positions were too integrated for them to ignore each other for the remainder of Kakashi's tenure as Hokage. He briefly considered the idea of resigning the robes and going back on the mission roster. He could stay out of the village as much as he wanted then, without having to explain his reasoning. As tempting as that sounded, Kakashi couldn't take that path either.

It wasn't even that Kakashi didn't want to see Sakura. He wasn't sure how to move past the idea of her and Sasuke together. From the first moment that Kakashi realized he was falling for Sakura, he'd known that relationship would cause a problem eventually. Sakura had thought that she loved Sasuke for most of her life. Kakashi couldn't expect her to put those feelings behind her overnight.

For months, Kakashi had lived in torment while Sakura grew more comfortable around him. The first time that she'd rested a hand on his shoulder to point out a specific section of a report, he'd felt a jolt of electricity through his entire body. Sakura hadn't noticed, leaning in until the sweet scent of her shampoo had been the only thing that he could focus on. Kakashi had known that he was too far gone, but he fought her pull anyway.

Kakashi spent every moment reminding himself of the reasons that he shouldn't get close to Sakura. He threw up walls between them, and she quietly tore them down without effort. Then, one night, Kakashi noticed the way that she looked up at him from beneath her lashes, a secret smile playing on her face. He berated himself as a fool when hope surged in his chest. They had been finalizing the details of testing new genin for aptitude with medical ninjutsu when the conversation veered toward a book that Sakura was reading.

The memory resurfaced with aching clarity. Sakura's cheeks had been flushed with laughter, her eyes brighter than any emerald could boast. She'd tipped her head to the side, challenging Kakashi's taste in literature when he mentioned _Icha Icha._ A tendril of hair floated across her cheek, and for once in his life, Kakashi acted without thinking. He'd reached out and tucked the strand behind Sakura's ear. She leaned into the touch, eyes fluttering shut. Risking everything on that expression, Kakashi kissed her.

The moment that their lips met had been everything that Kakashi feared and hoped for. Sakura's hands had come to rest on his chest, curling against the fabric beneath her fingers, and Kakashi forgot every previous objection. The flirting had seemingly come from nowhere, then grown bolder the more he resisted. That first kiss had released the building pressure between them. Kakashi recalled the curve of Sakura's lips against his, a movement repeated dozens of times during stolen moments at his office or in the deserted hallways of the hospital.

Somehow, Kakashi and Sakura got stuck in the awkward limbo between first kiss and full relationship. They both wanted more. Sakura couldn't fake the looks that practically scorched him with their intent, but neither had rushed to make it official. Kakashi had been content with the subtle change from friendship to more. He hadn't wanted to rush or complicate things between them until Sakura was ready to move on from Sasuke.

Now, Kakashi wondered if he'd lost everything by not speaking up sooner. A couple of nights after their fight, he had gone to Sakura's apartment to apologize. Kakashi's anger had cooled sufficiently for him to see that he'd left the woman in an impossible situation by not declaring his intentions from the start. Just because they'd been clear to Kakashi didn't mean that Sakura realized what he wanted.

Kakashi had planned to change that, to ask Sakura out on a real date. Then, he'd found Sasuke standing on her doorstep. Kakashi had paused, transfixed when Sasuke brushed his lips against Sakura's forehead. Rage blinded him, and only a cool return to logic kept Kakashi from confronting the pair. The thought of throwing Sasuke out of the village all together crossed his mind.

Instead, Kakashi had gone home. He'd drunk more alcohol than he had in years, then called in sick the next day. Kakashi gave himself twenty-four hours to mourn what might have been, then pulled himself together and went back to work. As much as Sakura plagued his mind, Kakashi could let her go if that's what she wanted. She hadn't been in a hurry to push Sasuke away, after all. In over two weeks, Sakura hadn't reached out to Kakashi, either. He told himself that she'd made her choice and left it at that.

_Don't make the same mistake Sasuke did._ Shikamaru's words haunted Kakashi as he stared around his empty office. For the past few months, many of Kakashi's Friday nights had been spent eating with the woman under the guise of work. Now, she was doing kami only knew what. She wasn't with Sasuke, at least. Kakashi knew the man was out of the village, unless he'd come back unexpectedly.

Drumming his fingers along the surface of his desk, Kakashi wondered if Sakura's decision was final. It seemed a pity to make assumptions based on a stolen peek from across the street. It was dark, after all, there could be another reason. _Maybe_.

Kakashi no longer cared about who'd been right or wrong. He didn't know where Sakura's relationship with Sasuke stood. Hell, he wasn't even sure if Sakura wanted to see him again. But, Kakashi knew that he couldn't leave things the way that they were.

Kakashi rose and removed the Hokage's robes, tossing them over the back of his chair. He walked through the darkened streets, rehearsing everything that he wanted to say. The words tangled in his mind, skipping over the important parts and rambling on the rest. Kakashi had never been good at vocalizing his emotions, especially not something like this. It was practically uncharted territory for him.

Gazing up at Sakura's apartment building, Kakashi ran his fingers through his hair. He still hadn't figured out what he wanted to say. The steps seemed impossible to climb even though he'd done it multiple times in the past. He needed to get a grip on himself somehow before facing Sakura. Kakashi had almost decided to go home and make a better plan for another day when a flash of a neon caught his attention.

The bar was a newer one that had cropped up after the war, specifically catered toward shinobi. Kakashi glanced back toward Sakura's door, then the blinking sign. Maybe some liquid courage would help him figure out what he needed to say. Kakashi turned his feet in that direction, telling himself that this wasn't running away. He just needed a shot of something to calm his nerves. Then, he'd talk to Sakura.

The warmth of too many bodies surrounded Kakshi as he pushed the door open. Music thrummed nearly loud enough to drown out his panicked thoughts. Kakashi didn't frequent bars, so he felt conspicuous though hardly anyone turned in his direction. He thought that drinking in public set a bad example as Hokage. Plus, Kakashi used alcohol to forget his pain rather than socialize. The last thing that he wanted to do was make a scene. One drink to bolster his courage, then he'd be on his way. The promise repeated itself a few more times until Kakashi almost believed it.

Halfway to the bar, Kakashi missed a step. A familiar form sat on the edge of a stool, hands curled around a purple drink. Sakura must have felt his gaze on her back; she tipped her head to the side and looked over one shoulder. A curtain of pink hair hid her eyes, but Kakashi knew that she'd seen him. So much for getting time to gather his thoughts.

As Kakashi approached, a hand came to rest on Sakura's shoulder. He followed the pale arm up to Ino Yamanaka's face, noting her annoyed expression. Kakashi swallowed past the lump in his throat. The last thing that he needed was an audience for this, but he wouldn't let that stop him. "Hey, Sakura. Can we talk?"

Ino slid between them, sinuous as a cat. Her bright red lips curved into a cruel smile as she leaned closer, covering Sakura's body with her own like Kakashi was some kind of disease to protect the pinkette from. "I don't think she has anything to-"

The blond stopped midsenence when Shikamaru appeared behind her, resting a hand on her lower back. The expression on Ino's face didn't alter, and the pale pinch of her lips suggested that she wasn't finished with whatever she wanted to say. Kakashi would have to deal with that another time. For now, he only had eyes for Sakura who stared at the drink in her hand like it might have the secret to life hidden inside.

Some part of Kakashi had expected things to be easier. He would show up, Sakura would be overjoyed to see him, then everything could go back to their crazy version of normal. He knew that he had to find a way to bridge the space between them, but the words stuck in his throat. The idea of wrapping Sakura in his arms and pulling her against his chest for a kiss crossed Kakashi's mind, but he knew that wasn't the answer. She needed to know where he stood rather than be strung along on emotions.

The nearly palpable hurt that rolled off of Sakura made Kakashi nauseated. Somehow, he knew that it wasn't centered around him, at least not entirely. He had played a part, true, but there was something else that he hadn't put there. It came from Sasuke, or maybe Sakura herself. Eventually, they would work through it, if Kakashi could get Sakura to look at him. When he breathed her name again, the woman finally raised her eyes.

"I'm sorry." The words rushed out before Kakashi could censor them the way he'd wanted. "I don't know what happened with Sasuke, and I don't need to. If you say it was a mistake and it won't happen again, that's good enough for me."

Weight settled in the pit of Kakashi's stomach as the words left his lips. His apology drew every eye in the room. At least, it felt that way. The stifling heat under his mask made him want to rip the clinging fabric away. Kakashi was fairly certain that Shikamaru's eyes had popped out of his head, but he didn't look in the man's direction. Ino's mouth hung open in his peripheral vision. And still, _still_ Sakura didn't turn.

Kakashi swallowed, wondering if it was too late to order a shot. His heart pounded in his ears

as Sakura's silence dragged on. "If you've changed your mind about us, I can understand that too." His voice broke on the words. "Can we talk? Please?

"You're making a scene," Sakura murmured, though she didn't sound entirely displeased at the pleading tone of Kakashi's voice. She rested a hand against his chest, stilling the flood of apologies as their eyes met.

A blush burned Kakashi's cheek at the touch. "I know. And, if that's what it takes to prove how serious I am, I'll do it."

Sakura tipped her head to the side, considering Kakashi's words while chewing on her lower lip. The woman started to shake her head when Ino leaned close. The blond's whisper was too soft for Kakashi to hear, but color flamed to life on Sakura's cheeks. She shrugged out from under Ino's hand and raised her glass, finishing the vibrant concoction in one gulp. Screwing her eyes shut against the burn, Sakura rested a hand on Kakashi's forearm. A familiar jolt of electricity raced through his veins. He tried to force an eye-smile, but even breathing seemed too difficult.

"Can we talk outside?" A breathy quality that Kakashi had heard only once entered Sakura's voice. His stomach tightened as he nodded.

It took less than a minute to cross the crowded room, space opening around them like a bubble, but it felt like a lifetime. The weight of various stares dragged at Kakashi's feet. The blessed quiet on the street felt like a different world. Sakura paused, wind whipping her hair across her face as she looked up at the stars. The moonlight paled her skin, making the green of her eyes stand out. Kakashi's heart leapt into his throat.

"You were right to be angry with me," Kakashi began, but Sakura cut him off.

"It was a stupid mistake, and I don't know why I did it. I-"

Kakashi couldn't stand to hear the next words. He didn't want to listen to Sakura justifying what happened with Sasuke, or think about that night. The last two weeks had been torture enough; he couldn't relive that. Instead, he said the first thing that came to mind. "Would you go out with me?"

Even as Kakashi said the words, he wanted to laugh. It sounded so childish, like something from another time. Sakura's mouth fell open as Kakashi continued to ramble, unable to stop himself. "I should have asked you out that first night, after we kissed. Hell, I probably should have asked before I did it, but-"

The pressure of Sakura's finger against Kakashi's lips stopped him from saying anything else stupid. She rose on her tiptoes, tugging his mask low enough that the cool air made him shiver. Then, her mouth was against Kakashi's in a kiss that drove all the thoughts from his mind. He surrendered to the warm promise of Sakura's body against his.

When Kakashi tipped his mouth out of reach to draw a breath, the world spun deliciously. He chuckled. "Was that a yes?"

Sakura laughed, reaching up to pull Kakashi's mask over his mouth and nose like she'd been doing it for years. Kami, he could get used to that. She grinned and dipped her head. "Yes."

A whistle echoed across the empty street, followed quickly by a cheer. Kakashi spun to find Ino standing in the doorway of the bar, Shikamaru at her side. The grin on the woman's lips was visible despite the distance between them. "About damn time," Ino called, clapping her hands while Shikamaru shook his head. "Now get back in here, and let's have a drink to celebrate."

Sakura flashed Kakashi a soft smile, the kind that promised she'd make it up to him later. She linked their fingers together, tugging him back toward the noise and chaos of the bar. Kakashi knew that they'd have to talk about everything eventually. But, not tonight. For now, the warmth of her hand in his was enough.


End file.
